


Here Lies the Abyss

by BarbMacK



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 10:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15241434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarbMacK/pseuds/BarbMacK
Summary: Ellana and Cullen both knew she wouldn’t be returning to Skyhold with the army.  Given how rare it was that he left Skyhold at all, Cullen was in no rush to return.  Even less so without Ellana by his side.After the events of Adamant, Cullen is in no rush to return to Skyhold.  Unfortunately, that's not really an option given his position.A short and bittersweet look at how he deals with moving on.





	Here Lies the Abyss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onlyfrequency](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyfrequency/gifts).



> This is dedicated to the lovely OnlyFrequency, who somehow manages to give me plot bunnies not only in her writing but also in comments/comments on comments too :P

Cullen looked up from the report he’d been staring at to see her sitting on his cot, grinning slyly at him. “How long have you been sitting there?” he asked, not overly surprised she’d managed to sneak up on him. Not all rogues could manage to sneak into his tent without him noticing, but one that knew him as well as she did most definitely could.

“Not long,” she replied.

He glared slightly at her. “Liar.”

She laughed in return, standing and moving to the side of his desk to look over his papers. “Busy?”

“Nothing that can’t wait,” he replied, reaching out to her.

She stepped out of his reach though. “Now who’s the liar?” she asked, raising a brow.

He harrumphed back. “Leliana wants me to finalize the troop movements back to Skyhold.”

Her face fell at that.

They both knew she wouldn’t be returning to Skyhold with the army. Given how rare it was that he left Skyhold at all, Cullen was in no rush to return. Even less so without Ellana by his side.

Her face changed then, changing to one of amused accusation. “How long would it normally have taken you to have all the men moving?” she asked.

“I’m not sure what you’re implying,” he returned, though his habit of rubbing his neck when embarrassed gave him away far too easily and he knew it just as well as he knew he was powerless to stop it in her presence.

“Commander,” she drawled in a way that simultaneously made him want to do whatever she asked of him as well as swiping everything off his desk to lay her in their place.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to keep himself in check rather than making that thought into a reality. For a start, this was not the War Table nor the desk in his office...or the one in her room for that matter. It may hold her weight, but it most certainly could _not_ hold their combined weight.

“Three days…maybe four if---”

“Cullen! We’ve been here nearly a week!” she cut him off in disbelief.

“That’s what Leliana said,” he tried to make light of it. She just pulled a face in return.

She sighed gently. “Cullen, I know you’ll miss me, but it’s time to move on. There’s nothing for the army to do here. There’s barely anything for _me_ to do here.”

“I know…it’s just…” He sighed. He knew of all people, she would understand what he was feeling, but it still felt wrong to say it out loud.

She looked at him with complete empathy and understanding. “Cullen---”

Whatever she had been about to say was cut off by Rylen entering the tent. For his part, Rylen gave a sympathetic look for interrupting but no verbal apology for doing so, which Cullen appreciated. He didn’t want to have to admit there shouldn’t be something to interrupt. Not when Leliana was already starting to question whether the delay was necessary.

“Commander. The Spymaster has requested to see you."

Speak of the devil, Cullen couldn't help but think with a sigh.

"And before you think it,” Rylen added, holding up his hands to stop any rebuttal Cullen may have made, “she sent me instead of Jim so you wouldn’t be able to fob her off like you have the last couple of times. It’s not exactly like you can threaten to send _me_ off here now is it?” he added, trying to goad a smile.

Cullen glared in return. “You’re right, you do need a change. I hear Fallow Mire is quite enchanting this time of year.”

“Honestly? After six months of the Western Approach, I’d welcome being soaked in a bog for a few months.”

“Careful what you wish for,” Cullen returned, earning a laugh from the other man. He sighed, quickly looking over the papers in front of him, adding a note here or there before sliding them together and picking them up as he stood.

He looked over at her, pausing in his exit.

“Go on, I’ll be here when you need me,” she told him, shooing him away.

He sighed, nodded and followed Rylen out.

~~~

He found her later that evening having dinner with a few of the other companions, sitting on logs around one of the fires.

"Ooh, look who's finally joining the little people," Sera cooed as he walked towards them.

"Sera, don't," The Iron Bull said from his spot on the opposite end of the same log.

She glared at him around Ellana who sat between them. "What? All I said was---"

"And I said don't," Bull repeated.

This was part of why Cullen had usually avoided intruding on Ellana when she was with her companions. Not only were they all exceptionally close due to all their time in the field together, but they could also have arguments where it was best to stay out of completely lest the warring parties join forces against you instead.

"Children, enough," Ellana told the pair good-naturedly.

They said nothing, just turning slightly further from each other.

In the end, it was Solas who was next to speak having cleared his throat to draw Cullen's attention. "So, will you join us?"

If he was honest, he'd prefer not to. He'd much rather have Ellana come with him back to his tent where he only needs to fear embarrassing himself in front of her rather than all of them.

She quirked a brow at him, as though reading his thoughts. She patted the log between her and Bull where he could possibly just fit. It was hardly the ideal place to sit, but his other options were between Cole and Solas on the other log, or by himself on the last log. Sitting next to Sera was not even an option.

He sighed, never able to refuse her, no matter how nonsensical her whims may be. He carefully sat down between her and Bull, much to the Qunari's surprise.

"Sure Cullen, 'cause there aren't enough logs to go round," he teased him at their close proximity, knees near brushing.

Cullen just glanced pointedly at Ellana and back at him.

Bull looked over at her, giving a pained expression before begrudgingly sliding a little further along the log to give Cullen a little more room.

Cullen gave a small appreciative smile before turning back to Ellana. He was about to reach for her hand when he noticed her expression had turned darker as she watched the fire.

"Fears aren't really fears once you're living them," Cole said in his lilting tone, snapping her from her thoughts.

"That's what the Nightmare said," she tried to joke, though the quiver in her lips ruined her smile.

"Are we such bad company?" Solas made to cover over it.

Cullen attempted a smile himself but found he too couldn't when she looked so upset. "I suppose compared to what you all went through in the Fade, I---"

"No, not doing it," Sera snapped, rising to her feet and turning on Cullen in one movement.

"Enough, Sera," Bull warned.

"No, Bull. I'm not gonna sit around playing fairy stories. He wasn't even fucking there! He doesn't know how scary nuffin is! And if we're not supposed to---"

"I said enough," Bull roared, on his own feet now. "We're all dealing with our own shit right now. Don’t shit on someone else because you don’t like the way they’re doing it.”

“Is that what we’re calling it? Dealing,” she spat back. “He’s too chicken shit to even get the fucking army moving and---”

Cullen rose to his feet. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here,” he told them, wanting to end the fight.

“Shit,” Sera broke her glaring match with Bull to face him. “You’re supposed to be a roaring lion, not some scaredy mouse,” she told him.

“Another time perhaps,” he told her, forcing a smile as he nodded a farewell to them all, heading back to his tent. He could hear their bickering begin as soon as he was passed the first row of tents, as well as the tell-tale sounds of Ellana following.

“Cullen,” she called after him gently.

He turned to face her. “It’s fine…she’s right. I have delayed moving on too long,” he swallowed hard, looking at the ground as the shame of his actions washed over him.

“Did you want me to---”

“No,” he cut her off quickly. “I really should finish my reports.”

She couldn’t hide the concern in her voice as she asked, “Did you want to see me later?”

“Yes,” he said almost breathlessly. “Please,” he added, earning a wry smile from her.

“Later then,” she said, turned to go as he did the same.

~~~

The next morning, he woke with her by his side. He’d worked well into the early hours finishing all the reports and arrangements he’d been putting off for the last few days, so it was somewhat a surprise to find her here. A good surprise of course, but unexpected none the less.

He spent longer than he should just staring at her. Taking in the way her hair fell across the pillow, the way her exceptionally expressive face was for once so calm. The line of her nose. The point of her ears. The way her Vallaslin lined her face. Her brows unmoving in slumber when by day they were often as active as the woman herself.

He let his hand hover just above her cheek, fascinated by how the pair seemed to be made for each other. Remembering the countless times he had brushed a stray hair from her eyes for her, tenderly placing it behind her ear before her chin would nudge his hand lower, to take hold of her neck. The countless kisses that had followed.

Her lips always so welcoming and gentle on his. Her soft sighs of pleasure even at something as simple as a kiss. The pure joy he felt at being able to draw out more. She was such a passionate woman but no one, _no one_ , saw her at her most passionate, her most gorgeous and beautiful and alive as he had.

And yet he couldn't bring himself to wake her, to close that infinitesimal space between his palm and her cheek. Not today. Another time or place he would have surged at the opportunity. But today he had to be the best man he could be for her, and that meant being the best Commander. Putting what the Inquisition needed of him before his own wants. If only for today.

Which of course meant she was angry when she woke up in the cot alone some time later. It was not the way she had wanted the morning to play out, and he knew that. But she would see soon enough why it had to be this way.

But before he could take his completed reports to the others and explain the day to them, the others came to him. His small tent was suddenly full as Leliana, Cassandra and Josephine entered followed by Bull and, to Cullen's surprise, Dorian.

They stood in a semi-circle around the front of his desk while he stood behind it, Ellana sitting to the side on the only chair in the tent.

"Commander, we need to speak with you," Cassandra began.

Cullen looked down at the papers in his hands. "I was about to come to speak to you all."

"This isn't about the reports," Josephine said gently, her face full of worry.

"I know," Cullen murmured, not lifting his gaze.

"Cullen, she's gone," Leliana told him forcefully, earning a gasp from the women and a growl from Bull.

"I said I know," Cullen snapped back, glaring at her. "You think I don't know that?"

"Well given your actions this last week---"

"Yes, I have been imagining her. But if you think for even one moment that even my most pathetic imaginings of such a brilliant woman would let me mar her, you know nothing of the depths I feel for her." The present tense hung in the air and none could deny it when he so clearly did feel so strongly for her even now.

He let out a wavering breath. "Even my own imagination wouldn't let me betray her memory. She was always so gentle and kind, wanting only to help us find our own way of resolving our problems." He looked over at the empty chair where she still sat, the sad smile she wore also held how proud she was of him for getting there in the end. "She...the one I imagined...has been trying to help me to let go all week."

"That's why you sat so close last night," Bull murmured.

Cullen looked at him with a wry smile, though his cheeks went a little pink. "I don't think even I would have imagined myself capable of that before last night. But the alternative, of sitting too close to her and knowing she wasn't there..." he trailed off.

Bull just nodded sympathetically. He understood. And Cullen knew he truly did. Of all Ellana's companions, it was Bull that had shown him the most support this week. Allowing him this weakness, protecting him from the others when they may have pulled it away too soon.

But he had promised he would become a better man for her. Not to win her, but because she inspired him to be no less. She was not the reward for his progress. She was the example and the encouragement he needed to be the man he previously only hoped he might one day be.

That man wouldn't, _couldn't_ , let his duties slide in the face of grief. He would get his troops back to Skyhold, and raise their morale. Ensure that every man under his command knew they were not giving up, that they would not let her death be in vain. They would bloody well send Corypheus back to the pits of the Void he'd sprung from or damn well die trying. And only after that, after one of those outcomes had come to pass, would he let himself truly grieve what he had lost.

There was no more time for hiding away in his tent, nor playing fairy stories with his imaginary friend. He was the Commander of the Inquisition forces, of _her_ forces. And he would lead them to victory in her name, to the Void with anyone who thought otherwise.

He looked at those in front of him. Cassandra trying to keep her face neutral, Josephine fully of worry. Leliana trying to read him, Bull not needing to as he understood, and Dorian with his hand just out of sight holding Bull's hand, which was when Cullen understood his purpose here. Cullen wasn't the only one needing support right now.

He cleared his throat. "I know I have...let my duties slide this last week. That I haven't been the Commander you deserve. It just felt like leaving...this place was admitting to leaving her. But it's not. She is a part of us all now and will always be a part of the Inquisition."

His eyes were once again drawn to the chair. "I love you," she whispered as she began to fade away.

"I will always love her. And we will win this war in her name, letting all Thedas know that even in death she was unstoppable."

Sera was right. He hadn't been there. _Hadn't been there in the Fade as they'd fought their way back to the Rift. Hadn't been there as Alistair and Hawke had fought over who should stay. Hadn't been there when the choice was stolen from all three of them as the Nightmare had swiped her into its grasp. Hadn't been there to hear her yelling for them to go as she fought with it herself._

_He had been on the outside at Adamant the whole time. Had continued to fight near the Rift until Hawke and Alistair had fallen through and it had suddenly snapped shut behind them. As it had sealed, the hold Corypheus had on the Wardens had broken. But even that he couldn't bring himself to care about as only one question had slipped from his lips. "Where's Ellana?"_

It was truly an empty chair once again. He turned back to the others, standing to his full height and his stature proud as his hand rested on his pommel. "To work!"


End file.
